Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Oh Happy Day

I don't normally do this, but a good friend of mine sent this to me and I just felt it screamed to be shared. Not only is it one of the funniest things I've read in a long, long time but it's undeniably true and accurate.

I know many of you ladies will applaud this article wholeheartedly. Enjoy.

This is an actual letter from an Austin, TX woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and Secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual l period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior... You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


Forda Fairlane said...

omg i think i just peed myself laughing at that..thank god i wear tampons or I would be changing a pad right now!

Sasy Scarborough said...

OMG LOL that is wayyyy funny and so spot on, here in Australia I am not sure if it is still the case, but Tampons and Pads had a LUXURY TAX on them, are they for real ? it was the most crazy messed up thing I have ever heard of as a tax , but anyway thank you for sharing the letter it made me laugh :)

xox Sasy xox

hyasynth tiramisu said...

As far as I can tell the "have a happy period" on the little paper tabs is _gone_. (But ofcourse not before making me laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the idea through waves of pain)

Alaska Metropolitan said...

I LOL'd.

Lizzy Saenz said...

I was never a moody woman when it came to my period but boy did I hate it. In Spanish, we call a pad a "caballo", cause it literally feels like you're riding a horse. :P

Thank goodness for the Mirena, I feel for all those who still have periods. Whoo!! The post was way funny, I'm gonna have to share with my friends. :D

Angie Mornington said...

LMAO! How bout we find Mr. Thatcher's proctologist, and in preparation for his next check up, put a sign above his doctors door that says "Thumbs Up!"

Cherie Parker said...

Angie!! I love that idea!! LMAO!!!

colleen said...

I'd be willing to bet that the *happy period* was wishful thinking on his part ! I'm sure Mrs Thatcher goes thru life just like the rest of us. This was probably his prayer !! LOL